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- On 10 green flags in your relationship that are game changers
  May 10, 2020RelationshipsWe evaluated relationship red flags in another post. If you haven’t read it yet, be sure to read that post before this one. If you have read it, then let’s continue. Relationship green flags are just as important as the red flags. We want to give some thought to both of them. Here, you will gain some awareness about the things that are going well in your romantic relationship. Grab your pen and notebook and get ready for some writing. Let’s get started. 1. They are frank about their feelings- no mind games My partner and I had known each other for a while. I liked him. But I wasn’t sure about his feelings for me. One evening we were out with a group of my friends. We decided at the end of the night to go to a cozy cafe to talk, just the two of us. That’s when he told me about his feelings for me. I could feel my mind and body relax on that red couch we were sitting on. I put my feet up on the chair in front of me, took his hand, lay my head back, closed my eyes, and smiled. It was such a relief. See that? You want that. 2. You are yourself around them At the beginning of a relationship it is normal to want to impress your partner. You put your best behaviour forward and try not to show any flaws. That makes sense for the honeymoon phase. But if you continue this for a long time, you will be drained. Just like I was. I consistently felt like I wasn’t good enough for my partner as he had started losing interest. So, I continued trying to impress him. One day I thought to myself, I’m not being myself in this relationship. It’s not fun anymore. I was feeling tired- emotionally and physically. Because these two are connected. If you are being yourself in your relationship, that’s a big green flag. If you don’t need to look, act, or be a certain way to win anyone’s good opinion of you, that is a green flag. It’s a very comfortable feeling. Savour it. 3. compromise is a part of the relationship How do you both deal with your differences? I will be writing a post on managing your differences in a relationship-stay tuned. But for now, I want to know if you both compromise? You can’t find anyone who is completely like you and if you do, there’s a good chance that you won’t want to be with them. It can be boring. So, chances of having differences with your partner is very high. It’s important to keep the balance here. You don’t want to be the one that always accommodates your partner. And the same goes with your partner. Find the balance. 4. You are proud to be with them Is your partner presentable? Are you proud to introduce them as your partner to friends and family? It feels really good to be with someone whom you’re not embarrassed to call your partner. Believe me! I have been in a relationship in the long past where my partner had such bad manners that I didn’t want to go anywhere with him. Never did I date like that again. 5. Patience Generally, this means having a good grasp of their emotions, meaning they don’t react fast to situations around them. Any weird outburst of anger over small situations is a red flag that we can talk about in the comments. I have experience with both of these. Let’s chat. 6. Similar values This goes beyond having shared interests. Let me paint you a picture. My ex-partner and I shared a strong interest in music. We are both musicians, so music is a big part of our lives. This is shared interest. Examples of core values is family, religion, politics, etc. What are some core values you can think of? 7. Help each other grow This is where you have a logical eye on each other, you notice and help with what your partner can do to live happier. My ex-partner struggled with fear in his daily life. I struggled with my insecurities about my physique. We both helped each other grow out of these by letting each other know when these were getting the best of us. It was better for our well-being. This is what friends do, and what is better than being a friend to each other in your relationship? 8. Caring Do you genuinely care for your partner? This goes beyond the relationship. Will you be generally worried about their well-being even if you are not together? It was near the end of my relationship. My partner had declared that he was uncertain about me. But still he worried about my well-being, even after the breakup. This shows that even when we were together, he did, despite what I believed, really cared about me. 9. Trust exists mutually What is trust? Trust is the feeling you get when you know you are safe with your partner. It’s when you believe your partner has the best intentions. That they care about you and don’t want to hurt you. Do you feel safe in your relationship? Does your partner feel the same? We will talk about this in a future post in greater depth- stay tuned. 10. Politeness Of course, politeness goes beyond swearing. It’s about manners. But let’s focus on swearing here- I have things to say. It’s okay if they swear once in a while when they aren’t angry. What we don’t want is for them to become extremely rude when angry or for swearing to be a part of their normal conversations. Be cautious that they may be polite to you to win your affection. A great way to evaluate their politeness is to see if they are polite to strangers. Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list of all the relationship green flags. But these are some of the important ones because they are rooted in a person’s character. Can you think of more green flags? Let’s talk about them in the comments. I’d love to hear from you. Take your notebook and write down any green flags you can think of in your relationship on a new sheet. Once you’re done, head over to my next post on balancing the pros and cons.... Read more...
- On Regret: How to move on in 5 steps
  June 15, 2020Relationships We experience the feeling of regret at least once, if not more, in our lifetimes. It may have been over a decision we made to leave a partner or maybe a decision to reject someone, or something along the same lines. Whatever the reason, let’s learn how to move on and overcome this feeling. Let’s begin to feel at peace with ourselves again. Let’s get started. 1. Delusions about the perfect future When we regret, we often grieve the possibility of having an amazing future. If we regret rejecting someone, we are under the delusion that we could have had the perfect relationship with them. If we regret marriage, we believe that life without the person we ended up with would have been amazing. And if we regret ever going into a relationship that left us broken hearted, we believe life would have been better without all the pain they caused us. But there is more to that too. The image of a different, more desirable life if so and so happened is the reason behind our feelings of regret. But in so believing, how realistic are we being? What are the chances that fantastic future could have come true or would have even made us happy? More often than not, what we believe and dream about is only imaginary, and rarely would have come true. Don’t be hung up on the ‘if only’s. Keep your head up and move on. 2. Think and reflect Think about and question why you made the decision that left you feeling regretful. There must have been a good explanation that made sense to you back then. Identify and understand your reasoning. Maybe the reason you rejected someone was that you didn’t love them. They may have been the greatest person in the world, but you didn’t love them. This made sense to you back then, even if you are having trouble understanding your reasoning now. That is completely okay. Maybe the reason you wish you hadn’t married is because you are having issues in your marriage now. Instead of focusing on what could have been, focus on identifying and resolving the problems you’re having now. It helps to think about all the reasons why you married your partner- it reignites the love. And maybe the reason you decided to enter that unsuccessful relationship was because you were so attracted to them, all their flaws were invisible to you. You have faith in people and that is a good feeling. 3. You made the best decision under the circumstances Always believe that you made the best decision under the circumstances. Us humans are always evolving. We change so much that the person we are today is sometimes completely different from the person we were a month ago. We grow, adapt, and change our minds. Even our entire belief system changes sometimes. Believe that with the knowledge you had back then, you made the best decision you could. The person you were back then was different than who you are now. You can’t expect that person to have had the same amount of knowledge you acquire now. 4. Take responsibility for your decisions Whatever you decided, in whatever state of mind you were and with however much knowledge and wisdom, accept it. Trust your instincts and your ability to make sound decisions. Taking responsibility for all your good and bad decisions is a part of maturity and adulthood. Once you believe in your good judgement, taking responsibility for your decisions becomes easy. Then you know that even if you made bad decisions, you knew better. And that helps you move on. 5. Forgive yourself If the decision was poorly made, with poor judgement, accept that it was a mistake. Know that we are all humans and in no way perfect. This puts us in a position where we are highly prone to making mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on now that it has happened. Because the sooner you forgive yourself, the sooner you are open to new possibilities. Closing yourself off from the world is another mistake where you lose all the wonderful new opportunities to make up for your past mistakes. In Conclusion… We talked about how to put regret behind us and move on. First by understanding what we imagine to be true is just that, our imagination. Then by analyzing our decisions and understanding why we made them and believing in our best judgement. In the end, forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we think we made, because at the end of the day we are humans and very imperfect. What do you regret most in your life? Let’s chat about it in the comments. I’d love to get to know you!... Read more...
- On how to stop missing someone in 5 easy steps
  May 19, 2020RelationshipsWhen a relationship ends, it can be a very painful experience. You may have your heart broken, you start missing them, wishing you’d never met them. Often times, you don’t know why you even miss them- especially if they did you wrong. In this post, you will learn about possible explanations for mourning their loss, what you really miss, and how to get over this painful feeling using easy, effective steps. Let’s get started. Why do I feel this way? There are many reasons why you miss someone that is no longer with you. Here is a list of the main reasons. You miss them because. You loved them so much, or you believe you did They made you feel safe and secure You dreamed about a future with them and now you’re hopeless of ever having a future with anyone You loved the person you were around them- they made you feel good about yourself and who you are In abusive relationships it is common for your partner to make you believe no one will ever love you again. It is possible that they said a variation of that, and you believed them. Now you are afraid to end up alone. We will talk about abusive relationships in greater length in a future post. Stay tuned. These are some of the possible explanations for what you’re feeling. All, some, or none of them can be true at the same time. They all boil down to one reason that is common among all of them. You miss them because you had a soul connection with them. They became a part of your life and now they are gone. There is a void, an empty space, that used to belong to them. You are missing a part of yourself. Until you fill that space, you will feel an emotional pain in the form of missing them. What do I actually miss? It’s easy to be confused about what you actually miss about someone. When you sit down to think about it, you realize it’s not always them that you’re missing- and this is true most of the time. You miss your memories, not the person you shared them with. You miss the time, not the person. The thing about memories is that they eventually fade. That’s one of the good things about being human- the ability to adapt and forget. In my experience, I missed the long, deep conversations my ex and I had about philosophy and human psychology more than I missed him. I also missed myself in his presence- the person I was. How do I stop missing them? 1. Focus Participate in activities that require great focus. If you can concentrate on something, your mind has very little ability to focus on missing someone. Our brains are not multitaskers. A good activity for me was to play music. I couldn’t think about anything else while playing, there was just too much to think about to play the pieces correctly. Dedicate a few minutes or hours each day to a focused activity. Keep track of this activity by logging it in your notebook. If you’ve been following me, you know that we keep a relationship notebook. If you haven’t, then read my post about relationship red flags where I first mentioned the notebook. What are some activities you can think of that require great focus? Share them in comments. I’d love to hear from you. 2. Create new memories Check to see what you miss about them and create new memories with people you care about– maybe friends, family, or someone new. As I said above, I miss the long conversations we had about philosophy and psychology. Ever since our separation, I have found friends who enjoy talking about these topics too. Having these conversations with my friends has helped me stop missing my partner. 3. Change your views I mentioned above that one of the things I missed about my relationship was missing myself in his presence. That’s not entirely true when I thought about it more. I’ve since realized that his presence didn’t make me a different person. I was who I am before he came, and I reminded the same- grew to be even better- after he left. I realized that he was getting more credit than he deserved. What are some of the things you miss? Maybe you need a new perspective or a more objective look in reality. 4. Remove the reminders Remove anything that reminds you of them. Maybe it’s a gift they bought you or pictures you took together. Take them all and put them somewhere where you can’t see them for a while. Something to keep in mind is to not destroy anything- at least not yet. Don’t act impulsively. Most of our actions are permanent and irreversible. Back when I broke up with my ex, I wanted to delete all our messages. But then I told myself to give it another thought. I had been in a similar situation before, and I had done exactly that. I don’t regret it but back then I didn’t understand that everything we do has a larger impact on something. If I could go back, I would’ve thought more about what kinds of effects my action would have, and what I could and couldn’t tolerate. The truth is, we are in such a rush to forget everything about a relationship that one day we wake up and realize everything is permanently gone- good and bad-we won’t have any memories of that part of our lives. It’s like it never happened- a black hole in the middle of our life. So, put the reminders away, but don’t destroy them- not yet. 5. Allow yourself to finish missing them I learned this one from the book ‘Eat Pray Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert. When Liz got a divorce, she visited Italy, India and Indonesia. One day, during her visit to an ashram she saw her ex-husband in a vision. The dialogue between them really helped me when I was missing my ex. It was something like this (please note, the book has a slightly different version of this conversation compared to the movie): Him: ‘I love you’ Her: ‘So, love me’ Him: ‘I miss you’ Her: ‘So, miss me. But whenever you think of me, send me love and light and then drop it.’ This is exactly what I did. Over time, I noticed that the number of times I thought about my ex during the day decreased. The feeling of pain was reduced because his memories were now associated with love and light. And there’s nothing painful about that. To help you realize your progress, it helps to keep track of how many times you think about or miss someone that’s no longer in your life. Use your notebook to keep track and notice that the number goes down over time. Seeing your progress will give you encouragement to keep going. In conclusion… The truth is, there’s no quick way to stop missing someone that used to be a part of your life. But using these 5 steps that you just learned about, you can get started on this journey and actually see the results. Invest some time every single day and try these steps. Write them down or share your experience with me in the comments. I’d love to hear about them and to help you in your journey. Stay tuned for my next post about the questions you need to ask yourself after a relationship ends.... Read more...
- On How to mend a broken heart: 10 steps
  May 15, 2020RelationshipsI hate relationships. Most of them end up leaving us heart broken. And we all know how much breakups and hear breaks suck! I wish there was a device I could use to tell me if the person I’m about to go into a relationship with will be the same one to break my heart or will be my life partner. I wish we could know that information going in. For whatever reason (love, companionship, etc.) we decide to go into relationships. So, breakups are absolutely inevitable. Now, here you are- probably heart broken, otherwise you wouldn’t click on this title. You’re suffering from a deep wound and wondering when it’ll stop hurting so much. The excruciating pain, the endless nights thinking of all the things you could’ve and should’ve said and done but didn’t, just won’t leave you alone. You sometimes even cherish the memories of the partner you separated from. The same ones that make you hurt even more. But most probably, you’re wondering why you even got yourself into this. It doesn’t matter how you got here. I’m here to help you ease the pain, one step at a time. I have put together a list of items that’ll help you in your journey to healing your broken heart. Let’s get started. In this post you will come across links to books I recommend you read. I have carefully selected these for you. They have helped me in my journey and can help you in yours. When you buy from these affiliate links, I may earn a teeny-tiny percentage. There is no extra cost to you, but the tiny revenue helps me afford rent. *That’s a picture of me sending you a kiss for your generous purchase. 1. Cry Crying is one of the best ways to ease the hurt and it is a very normal reaction to pain. So, cry as much as you need to. There are many benefits to crying. In short, it is a way of expressing yourself and facing your emotions. It’s also a way for our body to release psychological tension. I personally cry very easily. But I know that it is hard to do for some of us. If you need to, set the mood. Listen to sad music, watch a sad movie, do whatever you need to do, but cry. It’ll help you a lot. 2. Find your coping mechanism My coping mechanism was to keep myself busy. I used movies, books, and my cello. Yours might be to talk to someone or write your feelings down. If you have joined my blog just now, I talked about keeping a notebook for your relationship on my post about relationship red flags. Feel free to read it. You can use your notebook for writing your feelings down. One more strategy that helped me was recording my feelings in a voice memo on my phone. It was just for me. I didn’t plan on sharing it with anyone. I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders when I finished saying everything that was going on in my head. Also, it helped reduce the clutter in my mind. 3. Everything you feel is completely valid and normal It’s okay if your mood changes. I felt it too- sometimes I felt completely hopeless not even able to get out of bed. Other times, I was making plans for my days, hopeful with a tad bit of joy. I want you to know that whatever feelings you have, it’s completely normal to be experiencing them. Mood changes are very common with emotional hurt. Sometimes these changes are related to the time of day or weather changes, other times they have absolutely no basis at all. I tended to feel better at nights, there seemed to be something peaceful in the quiet of the night. Moreover, I didn’t feel as guilty for not being productive then, as opposed to during the day. Whatever your mood is, it’s completely normal to feel it. 4. Redirect your focus This is something I learned when I had my heart broken. It worked really well, and I know that it can help you too. I want you to grab your notebook for this one. Here is what you need to do. Instead of thinking about all the things you will miss about the person you separated from, think about all the things you will not miss about them. Trust me, it feels really good. Try it. It will help you a lot more if you write them down. So, open a new page in your notebook and label it ‘All the things I won’t miss’. This might help you get started: Some of the things I won’t miss about my partner is how he always tested me and always had a critical eye on me- it was his way of getting to know me. Subsequently, it put a lot of pressure on me and made it hard to be comfortable around him. What are some of the things you won’t miss? If you need help to stop missing someone that’s no longer in your life, then check out my next post. 5. Treat yourself to small pleasures Sometimes it’ll only be a few small pleasures that get you through the day when you are in pain. I had a few small pleasures that I looked forward to each day. First one was olives. I love green olives and I absolutely loved to eat them every night while watching a movie. I literally looked forward to my evening movie time with my green olives. It was so simple. Another small pleasure was my hot showers. I have a rain shower- it feels like standing under a waterfall. It’s also a steam room that I turn on while showering, making the room completely misty so that I see very little in my surroundings. I also dim the lights. Together, they’re a great combination for stepping out of this world for just a few minutes. What are some of your small pleasures? 6. Be patient There is no short cut in healing. Think about your pain starting on a specific date and ending on a specific date. The time between could be days, weeks, or even months. It doesn’t matter how long. Is there a shortcut to go through time? No, we have to wait it out and continue to live while we endure the pain. In the meantime, we can do things to ease the pain, but there is no shortcut to go through the days. “Learn to suffer what you cannot avoid.” -Nietzsche 7. Don’t compare your healing journey to anyone else’s We all have our own timelines. It took me a month to finally feel better after having my heart broken. I know people that take months, even years to heal, and others that heal within hours or days. Everyone’s journey is different. Do I compare myself to them? No. There is no point in doing that. 8. Cut all connections It’s never a good idea to keep in touch with the person you separated from. It keeps the wound fresh. Most importantly, it makes the healing process longer. My ex-partner and I kept our connection after we peacefully and amicably separated. To be honest, not only was it pointless to keep in touch, it was also really hurting me. So, one day I told him that it won’t work for me to keep in touch, that it was best for me to stop our daily conversations. I still cared about him but knew deep down that he wasn’t for me. That was the reason why I broke up. So, staying in touch was a daily reminder that I couldn’t be with him. He agreed to never message me unless I did. I never did. As soon as I stopped talking to him I felt better instantly. I felt lighter. As if my soul was waiting for that moment all along. I think it’ll do you good, too. Try it. 9. Think about what YOU want and need You don’t need to compromise anymore. Now, all you have to do is think about yourself. This is called self-awareness, the art of knowing yourself enough to recognize your needs. You are the person that matters most right now. Think about what you want and what your needs are and go get it. It’s that simple. 10. Laugh According to my favourite modern-day thinker, author, and philosopher, Alain de Botton: For the most part, laugh. And have a few rounds of casual sex if it helps. But above all, don’t keep thinking of the end of this relationship as tragically sad: the only good relationship, the only relationship worth mourning, would be one to which two people desperately wanted to belong. This wasn’t- in the end- despite all the signs- that kind of a relationship at all. When my relationship ended, I read a lot of books to help me cope. The two most helpful ones were Heartbreak and Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton. In the second book one chapter was dedicated to consolations for a broken heart. The author talked about the wisdom of Nietzsche and Schopenhauer. Here is a summary of one the many great points this book made: In order to be good at something, you need experience. To go from where you are now to becoming an expert in any field, to go from failure to success, you have to go through pain, humiliation, anxiety, envy, and suffering. You need practice. So, take this pain as an opportunity for growth. Embrace it. At the end of all this, after all the crying, blaming, anger, and sadness, while you pour yourself a hot cup of coffee, you’ll realize that you are going to be fine.... Read more...
- On when a relationship is over: 8 questions to ask
  May 25, 2020RelationshipsIn this post we will be covering the questions you should ask yourself when a relationship ends. By the end of this post you should have gained some valuable knowledge about yourself. These in turn will help you in moving on and creating more successful future relationships. This is of course after mending your broken heart, and perhaps, while you are helping yourself to stop missing your ex-partner. Give yourself time to heal and then ponder upon these questions. Most importantly, don’t go into a new relationship until you have answered these. It will be a great exercise to write down the answers to these questions. Grab your notebook, dedicate a page to each of these questions and write down everything you can think of. Come back to them each day and fill it out even more. Having them in front of you in a notebook has benefits that we talked about in my first post, Relationship Red Flags, please give it a read and get a notebook to dedicate to your relationships. This exercise will give you some perspective, while also allowing you to learn from your mistakes and avoid them in the future. It also won’t let you forget the lessons. Let’s get started. 1. What did I learn from this relationship? Did you achieve self-knowledge from the way you were treated or how you acted in your relationship? Go back to the things that didn’t go well. Question your actions and responses. See if you notice any patterns. In my experience, my ex-partner was uncertain about his feelings about me- he wasn’t sure if he wanted me. This is completely okay as we are not everybody’s cup of tea, and people are allowed to change their minds. But we have to see what kind of actions their feelings manifest. In my case, he hid this fact from me for a while and when he told me about it later, he wanted me to wait around until he made up his mind. Well, that means he had little respect for me and my time. I wanted to make things work after I found out about his true feelings, and that shows that I had little self-respect. It took me only a little bit of time, but I learned to respect myself enough to leave a relationship in which I wasn’t wanted. I learned to put myself first. What are some of the things you learned in your relationship? 2. How did I grow as a person? What does growth mean to you? To me it means developing myself in order to be happy and successful. In my latest relationship I achieved the most amount of growth compared to all my life combined. I am thankful for this growth that resulted from an unsuccessful relationship. I realized what I needed in a relationship in order to be happy. That is self-awareness, the art of knowing myself enough to know what I want and need. I didn’t have this self-awareness before. I usually tended to stay in a relationship even if I was deeply unhappy, rejected, or mistreated. The self-respect that I gained for myself meant that I no longer allowed anyone to treat me the way I didn’t deserve. Can you think of any ways you grew in your relationship? Did you do anything that helped you become happier as a result? 3. What did I do right? When your relationship ends, you must question what you did right. This will help you if you are blaming yourself for the failure of the relationship. Also, it will give you some insight for future relationships, because you want to repeat these. In my relationship, the best thing I did was that I was very good at listening. This was one of the things my ex really appreciated about me. I loved it too. I love listening to people talk. It’s meditative for me and is also something we all need- to be listened to. In a future post I will cover the art of listening that will bring magical changes to all your relationships. What are some things you did right in your relationship? We can all learn from each other, so share them in the comments. Let’s chat. I’d love to hear from you. 4. What mistakes did I make? We all make mistakes in relationships. So, don’t blame yourself. The important thing is to recognize them, so we don’t repeat them. My mistake was that I tried really hard to impress my ex-partner. It was mainly because I really liked him and wanted to keep him around. But he seemed very detached most of the time. I thought it was in my power to change that. Throughout this process, I wasn’t being entirely myself. That was a big, exhausting mistake. From now on, I will be myself. I will not trade that comfortable feeling with anything else. The right person will stick around. 5. What do I value in a relationship and in a partner? We talked briefly about your values and needs in a relationship in the balancing relationship pros and cons post. These are things to keep in mind before entering a relationship. But sometimes, after a breakup we learn that we value things that we hadn’t even thought about before. It’s good to make and keep a list of your values, keep updating them as you gain more self-knowledge. So, grab your relationship notebook and start making a list of all the qualities that matter to you. Taking a look at our relationship green flags post can help you get started. 6. What can I do differently in my next relationship? We covered all these questions about all the things you learned, did right or wrong in your relationship. We also covered your values and needs. Put them all together and see what you need to do differently in your next relationship to make it last. Think about your values early on before emotionally investing in someone. Make sure you continue doing what you did right in the past. And don’t repeat your mistakes. Be sure to always keep learning. Life is a learning process and growth never stops. 7. What do I need in order to get closure? It can be hard to move on if you never got closure with an ex. My take on this matter is that needing closure is a personal choice. It has to do with how significant this relationship was and what it meant to you. The more important the relationship, the higher your need for closure. It is something you need to sit down and think about. Ask yourself these questions: Do I need closure? and if yes, in what form? I put a lot of significance in my last relationship and it was important to me to get closure. This is because I had a lot to say and needed to get them out of my system, otherwise I would forever think about them. After I talked to him, I stopped thinking about them. I needed that. What do you need to get closure? 8. What are my plans now? This is where you ask yourself what you want out of your life. Is there something you’ve been putting off? It is best to go after what you want and be well on your way of achieving it before entering a relationship. This is good because it gives you peace of mind. I want a career that I’m happy about. That, for me, means writing. I want to write. I feel complete joy in my soul when I write here. And I am building the blocks of a stable career. Until I do that and am completely satisfied about where I am in my life, I don’t want to think about a serious relationship. This is because I want to have something to bring to the table. Also, I want to feel that I have my life together before I can think about someone else. Some of you might be on board with me. Others might want to have a partner to be on your journey with you, to help you and motivate you. That is fine too. But be on your way of getting what you want from life- with or without a partner. What is your take on this matter? Now that we’ve pondered upon these questions, you are steps closer to fully moving on. You learned more about yourself, your values, how much you grew, what you learned, what you did right and wrong. It’s important to learn from the past, take what you need and then put it all behind where they belong. As always, let’s chat in the comments and talk about these questions. I’d love to get to know you.... Read more...
- On 15 red flags in your relationship you must know
  May 10, 2020RelationshipsYou’re probably here because you’re unhappy in your relationship. Or you might think you’re happy and that none of the following will apply to you. Perhaps you’re here to gain reassurance. Or, like me, you may have only thought of the red flags after the breakup. Let me tell you, it’s very easy to be in a relationship and miss the red flags that are right in front of you. That happened to me. The following is a list of all the red flags I missed in only one of my relationships- yup, every single one of these combined in one person. I was blind to all of them. And the worst part is, I thought I was happy. Knowing these red flags will help ease the pain of a recent (or upcoming) break up or help you achieve the awareness you need to take a step towards building a healthy relationship. In either case I’m here to help you. I’m about to get personal here. Let’s get started. A final note before we get started… You will see in many of my posts that I rely on writing to get information out of your brain. This is because I believe the brain is such a vast, unexplored organ. There’s still so much we don’t know about it and for all I care, it could be tweaking information that I store in it. You will notice that with writing things out, they suddenly become way clearer to you. I’m sure there is research to back this up- but I don’t want to get into that. Imagine you can’t choose between options A and B in your head. You write them down, and you immediately say, of course option B is better- duh. This exact scenario happened to me. So, trust me. So please, grab a pen and a blank notebook and dedicate it to your relationship. We have lots of writing to do. Now, let’s get started. For real this time. 1. Never talking about the future This one came to me as an epiphany after the breakup. In the middle of all the crying I suddenly stopped and thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute! How come we never talked about the future?’ It felt like he never intended for me to be a part of his. I know many of us dread asking our partners, ‘Where is this relationship going?’ A simpler way of approaching this is by talking about your values and plans and seeing if they match. Or you could ask your partner, ‘Do you see me in your future?’ -I love this one. It’s so simple. The answer to it is a simple yes or no, and it carries less pressure than the question above. 2. Most of the effort is one sided Is it always you who initiates conversations, phone calls, or wants to meet? If yes, then you are most likely putting in more effort than your partner. Not only is it not fair to you, but you will be exhausted sooner or later. It is best to have a conversation with your partner and see why they aren’t participating. Remember to never compare your efforts to theirs. Why? Because you chose to put in the effort- no one made you do it. 3. Low physical attraction Are you physically attracted to your partner? I mean, when you see them, does your heart skip a beat? This may be too much, but you get the idea. Personally, I wasn’t physically attracted to my partner. I tried to look past it, thinking it’s the person inside that matters- which is true for the most part. But let’s be real! Physical attraction is just as important! Forget the heartbeat. You gotta like looking at your partner at least. 4. Haven’t healed from their past relationships This, for you, could be that your partner is still thinking about their ex. My situation was different. My partner wasn’t thinking about his ex, but he was left with a very deep emotional wound that hadn’t yet healed. I know… You would think that he’d remain single until he figured things out. But no. Unfortunately, this meant a heart break and a wound for me. The cycle has to stop somewhere. Let it stop with you. 5. Emotionally unavailable We see this phrase everywhere, but what does it really mean? In a nutshell it is the inability to create and sustain emotional bonds. Which is okay for new relationships as feelings don’t start flourishing so fast, at least not for everyone. But it is concerning if it persists. I will cover this topic in greater depth in another post- stay tuned! 6. Not taking responsibility for their decisions Very early on in my relationship, I told my partner about some facts that could have been deal breakers for him. I said them early on because: He had to know them That way he could have a chance to leave No one would get hurt He saw this as a sign of integrity and wanted me even more because I was honest with him. Skip ahead to the part where we broke up. He brought up the facts I had shared with him that day and said he was never really okay with them. He blamed me for this and used it as an excuse. When you take responsibility for your decisions, you blame yourself and no one else if something goes wrong. Being incapable of that is a big, bold sign of immaturity. 7. Excuses Oh, the millions of excuses. When it’s time to break up, or during an argument, do they mention excuses that seem to be popping out of thin air with no background whatsoever? Are there many of them? There is an underlying issue here. Something bigger is bothering them. If you are invested to keep the relationship, stop and talk about what could be wrong. If not, let it go. 8. Not wanting to be seen in public together There could be different reasons for this. But I’ve witnessed a recurring pattern. Several of my friends have had this issue where their partners didn’t want to be seen with them in public. It always turned out they had one motive. Cheating. They were just afraid they would run into their other partners together. I didn’t remain in my relationship long enough to see what his underlying motive was. It’s usually very hard to tell. Be cautious and trust your instincts. 9. Not wanting to introduce you to their friends I want you to remember that this point and the next do not apply to new relationships. It takes time to get to a level where you and your partner feel comfortable to be introduced to friends and family. But let’s say that you have been together for a while and they still refuse to meet your friends or don’t want you to meet theirs. That’s a red flag. As with most of the problems mentioned, the solution is to talk about it. 10. Refusing to involve the families Please take your time with this one. Don’t get excited to meet their family or for your partner to meet yours. Take the time to make sure they are a keeper. Things get serious after this. If you have been with your partner for a long time and there is no sign of ever meeting the family, you should question if this relationship is going anywhere. This takes you back to my first point: Do they see you in their future? 11. All the excitement, and then nothing! In the beginning we all have what I like to call the ‘newcomer excitement’. You’re into each other, wanting to know everything there is to know about your new partner. That’s normal. And eventually it will die off into a more stable feeling of companionship. That’s a great place to get to. But what if you never get to the companionship part? You get to a point where nothing really happens. It feels like you’re stuck. Something is off- talk to your partner and figure out how you ended up here. 12. Mixed feelings or uncertainty It’s not a good feeling when your partner isn’t sure about you, meaning they are uncertain if they want to be with you or not. Unfortunately, I know exactly how it feels and I must say: Ouch! It hurts so much. If they have mixed feelings, if they need time to think what they want, that is your cue that they are out. Don’t second guess yourself. They just don’t know it yet, or are not communicating their true feelings so as to not hurt you. But is that really fair to you? No! Don’t you deserve to know the truth so you can decide what to do? Absolutely! 13. Unable to communicate If they can’t communicate their feelings with you, they are wasting both your times. That’s fair to no one. It doesn’t matter what the intentions are behind a lack of communication. They could be good: not wanting to hurt you. Or worse, deliberately trying to hurt you. Goes without saying that this isn’t any good either. Some people find it hard to communicate. What is the solution? Ask them to talk to you. There is no better way of getting what you want than asking for it. 14. Lack of honesty Dishonesty isn’t just limited to lying (saying things that are untrue). It’s bigger than that. It also includes hiding the truth. Which could have good or bad intentions behind it but that doesn’t matter. It’s still lying. I want you to remember that. In my experience, my partner was pretending everything was okay between us when in fact he was feeling uncertain. That, to me, is lying. In fact, any kind of pretence is lying. 15. Inconsistency in behaviour This is mood swings that extend into behavioural changes. One day they care for and pamper you, another day you don’t even exist for them. They could be just having a bad day. But the problem arises when these ups and downs persist. Watch for long-term patterns in their behaviour. Wow, we covered so much! You have all this information about red flags- now what? The next step I want you to take is to grab a pen and your blank notebook. I want you to write down any of the above red flags you’ve seen in your relationship. If you can think of more, write them down and please share them in comments too for others to see. I’d love to hear from you. Once you write them, put the notebook aside. We have more to do. Before taking any action, it’s important to remember not to solely focus on these red flags. I have compiled a list of some green flags to help you see the good in your relationship as well, because we have to be fair. You can read about relationship green flags here.... Read more...
- On the pros and cons of your relationship
  May 10, 2020RelationshipsIt’s time to balance the pros and cons. If you haven’t read my posts about relationship red and green flags, be sure to read them (in that order) before this one. In this post we will be talking about how to evaluate the good and the bad of your romantic relationship. This is no ordinary pros and cons post. We will be doing some thorough evaluations here. Hopefully you’ve been following my advice from my two previous posts and have been taking notes. We’re going to need them here. Grab your pen and notebook and get ready for some writing. Let’s get started. In this post you will come across links to books I recommend you read. I have carefully selected these for you. They have helped me in my journey and can help you in yours. When you buy from these affiliate links, I may earn a teeny-tiny percentage. There is no extra cost to you, but the tiny revenue helps me afford rent. *That’s a picture of me sending you a kiss for your generous purchase. How I learned this method Back when I was in middle school (this is a long time ago- I’m in my 30s now), I had a teacher who told us about how she chose her husband. It was completely unrelated to course material. I don’t even remember why she told her story. But I haven’t forgotten it to this day. Back to the story. She wasn’t sure if he was the one for her. Back then, being in her 30s, she didn’t want to just rely on her heart to do the job for her. She made her decision using the method that I will describe here for you. She chose him. They remained married for over 30 years- they’re probably still married. You may find this method goes against your values on love, and that may be true. We will be taking the logical route to making a decision. If you prefer the logical route like me, then keep reading. Read your notes You’ve been taking notes on your relationship red and green flags. It’s time for a refresher. Go back and read them carefully. On a new page in your notebook make two columns: Pros and Cons Think about which of the red flags in your relationship really upset you and you can absolutely not deal with or correct them. Also, I want you to think about which of the green flags really matter to you. You can decide this by thinking about which ones make you smile, feel relieved, and that you value most. List the pros and cons under the corresponding columns Write down the chosen red and green flags here. This is a process that should take you several days or maybe weeks. Don’t rush it. Write your list, close your notebook and don’t think about it for a while. I want you to come back to your notes once every few days and edit. Don’t feel pressured to keep what you’ve already written. Remove items from your list if, on second thought, you don’t feel they are important to you. Keep in mind not to act on what your list has opened your eyes to. Your decision isn’t final yet. On a blank page in your notebook write down what you value in a relationship Think about what’s important to you and you need in a relationship. Try to be as objective as you can and forget about your partner for a minute. Imagine they don’t exist, otherwise you will be listing their characteristics instead of what you want. Trust me, that has happened to me. A wise woman with a very successful marriage once told me to look for these characteristics in a partner: Respectful, patient, and responsible. This can be a great place to start. Circle the items of utmost importance You’ve already created a narrower list of important red and green flags. Go back to your list of values and needs in a relationship and if you find any of them in each column, circle them. Final step I don’t want you to just count how many items you have under each column, although that would seem like the right way to do this. But I want you to see if there are any items on your Cons list that are circled. These may be the deal breakers based on the values you wrote. Even if you have one item circled under Cons and 10 circled under Pros, Cons could still win because that one item can be something you can’t deal with. So, evaluate your circled items carefully and make your decision based on your deep values. Will you leave your relationship? Or will you stay? Share your answers in the comments. Let’s talk about this. You have probably made your decision by now, if not, leave a comment for me and we can work through this. If you’ve decided to stay in your relationship, that’s great! You may have things to work on to help bring you peace and calm. Stay tuned for more posts on how to work on making your relationship healthier. For now, we have to help those of us that decide to leave their relationship. Heartbreak is not easy. Check my post on mending a broken heart. While you wait, there are some books I recommend you read. They are written by my favourite writer and thinker: Alain de Button. His books have helped me through my breakup but aren’t limited to just that. He has founded ‘The School of Life’ and has much to say on many important life topics. You will notice that 99.99% of my book recommendations will be his books. Just saying. Get ready for more. If you must choose one book to read, I’d recommend Relationships because it exclusively talks about them. But if you finish that and want more to read, get How Proust Can Change Your Life. It’ll tell you all about reviving relationships, recognizing love, and how to be happy in love among other things- good skills to have. If you are going through the breakup route, I have a specific recommendation for you too: HeartBreak. These are all good books in my opinion. Read the previews and let me know what you think about them. Have you already read these? Let’s discuss them. As always, please leave your comments here. I’d love to hear from you. See you again very soon in my new posts. Happy reading!... Read more...

HI THERE

I’m Sep!

Welcome to On Amore. I’m so excited that you are here.

When I first started this page, my goal was to create a community in which we all help each other through the emotional challenges we face in our relationships- with others and with ourselves.

Thanks to you, this community is growing bigger every day. I have very high hopes for our community and am thankful for your support in making this happen.

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