Relationships

On How to mend a broken heart: 10 steps

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I hate relationships.

Most of them end up leaving us heart broken. And we all know how much breakups and hear breaks suck!

I wish there was a device I could use to tell me if the person I’m about to go into a relationship with will be the same one to break my heart or will be my life partner. I wish we could know that information going in.

For whatever reason (love, companionship, etc.) we decide to go into relationships. So, breakups are absolutely inevitable. 

Now, here you are- probably heart broken, otherwise you wouldn’t click on this title.

You’re suffering from a deep wound and wondering when it’ll stop hurting so much. The excruciating pain, the endless nights thinking of all the things you could’ve and should’ve said and done but didn’t, just won’t leave you alone. You sometimes even cherish the memories of the partner you separated from. The same ones that make you hurt even more.

But most probably, you’re wondering why you even got yourself into this. 

It doesn’t matter how you got here. I’m here to help you ease the pain, one step at a time. I have put together a list of items that’ll help you in your journey to healing your broken heart.

Let’s get started.

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In this post you will come across links to books I recommend you read. I have carefully selected these for you. They have helped me in my journey and can help you in yours. When you buy from these affiliate links, I may earn a teeny-tiny percentage. There is no extra cost to you, but the tiny revenue helps me afford rent.

*That’s a picture of me sending you a kiss for your generous purchase.


1. Cry

Crying is one of the best ways to ease the hurt and it is a very normal reaction to pain. So, cry as much as you need to.

There are many benefits to crying. In short, it is a way of expressing yourself and facing your emotions. It’s also a way for our body to release psychological tension.

I personally cry very easily. But I know that it is hard to do for some of us. If you need to, set the mood. Listen to sad music, watch a sad movie, do whatever you need to do, but cry. It’ll help you a lot.


2. Find your coping mechanism

My coping mechanism was to keep myself busy. I used movies, books, and my cello.

Yours might be to talk to someone or write your feelings down. If you have joined my blog just now, I talked about keeping a notebook for your relationship on my post about relationship red flags. Feel free to read it. You can use your notebook for writing your feelings down.

One more strategy that helped me was recording my feelings in a voice memo on my phone. It was just for me. I didn’t plan on sharing it with anyone. I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders when I finished saying everything that was going on in my head. Also, it helped reduce the clutter in my mind.


3. Everything you feel is completely valid and normal

It’s okay if your mood changes. I felt it too- sometimes I felt completely hopeless not even able to get out of bed. Other times, I was making plans for my days, hopeful with a tad bit of joy.

I want you to know that whatever feelings you have, it’s completely normal to be experiencing them. Mood changes are very common with emotional hurt.

Sometimes these changes are related to the time of day or weather changes, other times they have absolutely no basis at all.

I tended to feel better at nights, there seemed to be something peaceful in the quiet of the night. Moreover, I didn’t feel as guilty for not being productive then, as opposed to during the day.

Whatever your mood is, it’s completely normal to feel it.


4. Redirect your focus

This is something I learned when I had my heart broken. It worked really well, and I know that it can help you too. I want you to grab your notebook for this one.

Here is what you need to do.

Instead of thinking about all the things you will miss about the person you separated from, think about all the things you will not miss about them.

Trust me, it feels really good. Try it.

It will help you a lot more if you write them down. So, open a new page in your notebook and label it ‘All the things I won’t miss’. 

This might help you get started: Some of the things I won’t miss about my partner is how he always tested me and always had a critical eye on me- it was his way of getting to know me. Subsequently, it put a lot of pressure on me and made it hard to be comfortable around him.

What are some of the things you won’t miss? If you need help to stop missing someone that’s no longer in your life, then check out my next post.


5. Treat yourself to small pleasures

Sometimes it’ll only be a few small pleasures that get you through the day when you are in pain. I had a few small pleasures that I looked forward to each day.

First one was olives. I love green olives and I absolutely loved to eat them every night while watching a movie. I literally looked forward to my evening movie time with my green olives. It was so simple.

Another small pleasure was my hot showers. I have a rain shower- it feels like standing under a waterfall. It’s also a steam room that I turn on while showering, making the room completely misty so that I see very little in my surroundings. I also dim the lights. Together, they’re a great combination for stepping out of this world for just a few minutes. 

What are some of your small pleasures?


6. Be patient

There is no short cut in healing. Think about your pain starting on a specific date and ending on a specific date. The time between could be days, weeks, or even months. It doesn’t matter how long.

Is there a shortcut to go through time? No, we have to wait it out and continue to live while we endure the pain.

In the meantime, we can do things to ease the pain, but there is no shortcut to go through the days.

Learn to suffer what you cannot avoid.” -Nietzsche


7. Don’t compare your healing journey to anyone else’s

We all have our own timelines. It took me a month to finally feel better after having my heart broken.

I know people that take months, even years to heal, and others that heal within hours or days. Everyone’s journey is different.

Do I compare myself to them? No. There is no point in doing that.


8. Cut all connections

It’s never a good idea to keep in touch with the person you separated from. It keeps the wound fresh. Most importantly, it makes the healing process longer.

My ex-partner and I kept our connection after we peacefully and amicably separated. To be honest, not only was it pointless to keep in touch, it was also really hurting me. 

So, one day I told him that it won’t work for me to keep in touch, that it was best for me to stop our daily conversations. I still cared about him but knew deep down that he wasn’t for me. That was the reason why I broke up. So, staying in touch was a daily reminder that I couldn’t be with him. He agreed to never message me unless I did. I never did.

As soon as I stopped talking to him I felt better instantly. I felt lighter. As if my soul was waiting for that moment all along. 

I think it’ll do you good, too. Try it. 


9. Think about what YOU want and need

You don’t need to compromise anymore. Now, all you have to do is think about yourself. This is called self-awareness, the art of knowing yourself enough to recognize your needs.

You are the person that matters most right now. 

Think about what you want and what your needs are and go get it. It’s that simple.


10. Laugh 

According to my favourite modern-day thinker, author, and philosopher, Alain de Botton:

For the most part, laugh. And have a few rounds of casual sex if it helps.

But above all, don’t keep thinking of the end of this relationship as tragically sad: the only good relationship, the only relationship worth mourning, would be one to which two people desperately wanted to belong. This wasn’t- in the end- despite all the signs- that kind of a relationship at all.

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When my relationship ended, I read a lot of books to help me cope. The two most helpful ones were Heartbreak and Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton.

In the second book one chapter was dedicated to consolations for a broken heart.

The author talked about the wisdom of Nietzsche and Schopenhauer. Here is a summary of one the many great points this book made:

In order to be good at something, you need experience. To go from where you are now to becoming an expert in any field, to go from failure to success, you have to go through pain, humiliation, anxiety, envy, and suffering.

You need practice. So, take this pain as an opportunity for growth. Embrace it. 

At the end of all this, after all the crying, blaming, anger, and sadness, while you pour yourself a hot cup of coffee, you’ll realize that you are going to be fine.

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