When a relationship ends, it can be a very painful experience. You may have your heart broken, you start missing them, wishing you’d never met them.
Often times, you don’t know why you even miss them- especially if they did you wrong.
In this post, you will learn about possible explanations for mourning their loss, what you really miss, and how to get over this painful feeling using easy, effective steps.
Let’s get started.
Why do I feel this way?
There are many reasons why you miss someone that is no longer with you. Here is a list of the main reasons.
You miss them because.
- You loved them so much, or you believe you did
- They made you feel safe and secure
- You dreamed about a future with them and now you’re hopeless of ever having a future with anyone
- You loved the person you were around them- they made you feel good about yourself and who you are
- In abusive relationships it is common for your partner to make you believe no one will ever love you again. It is possible that they said a variation of that, and you believed them. Now you are afraid to end up alone. We will talk about abusive relationships in greater length in a future post. Stay tuned.
These are some of the possible explanations for what you’re feeling. All, some, or none of them can be true at the same time.
They all boil down to one reason that is common among all of them.
You miss them because you had a soul connection with them. They became a part of your life and now they are gone. There is a void, an empty space, that used to belong to them.
You are missing a part of yourself.
Until you fill that space, you will feel an emotional pain in the form of missing them.
What do I actually miss?
It’s easy to be confused about what you actually miss about someone. When you sit down to think about it, you realize it’s not always them that you’re missing- and this is true most of the time.
You miss your memories, not the person you shared them with. You miss the time, not the person.
The thing about memories is that they eventually fade. That’s one of the good things about being human- the ability to adapt and forget.
In my experience, I missed the long, deep conversations my ex and I had about philosophy and human psychology more than I missed him.
I also missed myself in his presence- the person I was.
How do I stop missing them?
Participate in activities that require great focus.
If you can concentrate on something, your mind has very little ability to focus on missing someone. Our brains are not multitaskers.
A good activity for me was to play music. I couldn’t think about anything else while playing, there was just too much to think about to play the pieces correctly.
Dedicate a few minutes or hours each day to a focused activity. Keep track of this activity by logging it in your notebook. If you’ve been following me, you know that we keep a relationship notebook. If you haven’t, then read my post about relationship red flags where I first mentioned the notebook.
What are some activities you can think of that require great focus? Share them in comments. I’d love to hear from you.
2. Create new memories
Check to see what you miss about them and create new memories with people you care about– maybe friends, family, or someone new.
As I said above, I miss the long conversations we had about philosophy and psychology. Ever since our separation, I have found friends who enjoy talking about these topics too. Having these conversations with my friends has helped me stop missing my partner.
3. Change your views
I mentioned above that one of the things I missed about my relationship was missing myself in his presence.
That’s not entirely true when I thought about it more.
I’ve since realized that his presence didn’t make me a different person. I was who I am before he came, and I reminded the same- grew to be even better- after he left. I realized that he was getting more credit than he deserved.
What are some of the things you miss? Maybe you need a new perspective or a more objective look in reality.
4. Remove the reminders
Remove anything that reminds you of them. Maybe it’s a gift they bought you or pictures you took together.
Take them all and put them somewhere where you can’t see them for a while.
Something to keep in mind is to not destroy anything- at least not yet. Don’t act impulsively. Most of our actions are permanent and irreversible.
Back when I broke up with my ex, I wanted to delete all our messages.
But then I told myself to give it another thought.
I had been in a similar situation before, and I had done exactly that. I don’t regret it but back then I didn’t understand that everything we do has a larger impact on something. If I could go back, I would’ve thought more about what kinds of effects my action would have, and what I could and couldn’t tolerate.
The truth is, we are in such a rush to forget everything about a relationship that one day we wake up and realize everything is permanently gone- good and bad-we won’t have any memories of that part of our lives.
It’s like it never happened- a black hole in the middle of our life.
So, put the reminders away, but don’t destroy them- not yet.
5. Allow yourself to finish missing them
I learned this one from the book ‘Eat Pray Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert.
When Liz got a divorce, she visited Italy, India and Indonesia. One day, during her visit to an ashram she saw her ex-husband in a vision. The dialogue between them really helped me when I was missing my ex. It was something like this (please note, the book has a slightly different version of this conversation compared to the movie):
Him: ‘I love you’
Her: ‘So, love me’
Him: ‘I miss you’
Her: ‘So, miss me. But whenever you think of me, send me love and light and then drop it.’
This is exactly what I did. Over time, I noticed that the number of times I thought about my ex during the day decreased. The feeling of pain was reduced because his memories were now associated with love and light. And there’s nothing painful about that.
To help you realize your progress, it helps to keep track of how many times you think about or miss someone that’s no longer in your life. Use your notebook to keep track and notice that the number goes down over time. Seeing your progress will give you encouragement to keep going.
The truth is, there’s no quick way to stop missing someone that used to be a part of your life. But using these 5 steps that you just learned about, you can get started on this journey and actually see the results.
Invest some time every single day and try these steps. Write them down or share your experience with me in the comments. I’d love to hear about them and to help you in your journey.
Stay tuned for my next post about the questions you need to ask yourself after a relationship ends.